Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down 'till the thought goes away.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.